Another year has come and gone. It has now been 3 years since Tatum died and I am sad to say that it has gotten easier. Part of me wants the pain to stay fresh only because it is hard to hold onto such few memories and my mind forgets things that I thought I would never forget. This year we decided that on his birthday we would put out all of the pictures blankets and stuffed animals, things from the hospital and his first outfit. It is all on a table in the front room set up as a memorial. The plan is to keep it all set up from his birthday till his death day. It has been so nice to have the constant reminder of how real it all was and to have things out that I can touch and hold. The kids ask more questions and we are able to talk about him more and remember how it was to have him here and look forward to when we will all be together again. On his birthday I took all the kids out of school at lunch time and took them for a picnic at the grave. We came home and made birthday cards for him and went and got balloons for his grave. We went to dinner that night and then went to fiesta fun. It was nice to spend the day doing fun things my kids all enjoyed and to make the day all about him. We have made it a tradition to go to the Temple every year on his death date and do sealings to help others become forever families. Every time we have gone the spirit has been so strong and I get such a strong sense of love from my Heavenly Father and my son Tatum. All we have now is pictures memories and the traditions we make a priority.

For Tatum's 2nd Birthday we Cleaned the stone and repainted the black lettering. It's crazy what the hard water does to those grave stones! It hasn't been there a year yet but after we repainted the letters black and scrubbed off all of the hard water spots and polished it again it looked like a totally new stone.

Happy birthday buddy!  We miss you so much.  It is crazy to see little 2 year old boys running around giving their parents chaos and love.  We wish you were here doing the same things! We are surrounded by 2 year old boys- Graham (Still close by picture updates) Jaxon, Issac, Taegan, 2 year old boys of our close friends and family, all with close birthdays, it doesn't seem fair that you can't be here with the gang. We love you and can't wait to be with you again!

Headstone

We finally got the right headstone after much waiting and we love it!  It turned out great!

July decorations!  And Tate's picture got put on the front.

I remember the way you looked at me,
Your blue eyes would open wide for me to see.
You know I'll always be missin' you,
And though it's hard you know I'll make it through.

You are the one thing that I adore,
The one thing I know is worth dying for.
I'm so, so sorry for the way,
Things turned out that day in May.

I can still see the snow as clear as day,
I close my eyes and I just drift away.
Though it's dark my eyes can see,
The sunshine your spirit poured back into me.

I still feel your love surrounding me,
And though you're gone your peace is here with me.
I'm so, so sorry for the way
Things turned out that day in May.
But I'm so, so glad that I can say,
I'll see you my love, I'll see you again some day.

 

 

 

 

So today for Tate's birthday we went to IHOP for breakfast and had planned on going to Snow Canyon Park to hike and have a picnic, but the weather wasn't coordinating with our plans.  Once the rain cleared up we did end up going to the family farm and having a hot dog roast and just hanging out with the family.  We then went to Tate's grave and wrote our birthday messages on some balloons and tied the balloons to his cute flower basket that Grandma and Grandpa E. gave him.   

One year

One year ago today my life was turned upside down by the beautiful baby boy I was blessed to be able to call my son.  I had no clue what this amazing little spirit that was inside me was going to do for me!  He has changed me so much and continues to do so from the other side.  I can't believe it's been a whole year, and at the same time it seems a life time ago. 
The kids are so cute when they talk about him and what they remember.  Olivia continues to pray for him every night and gets offended if anyone else forgets to mention him in their prayers.  Asher loves to look at the pictures and talk about how things will be when we get to be together again.  Avaree likes to go with us to the grave and every time we drive away, she waves at the grave and says "bye baby Tatum!  I love you."  We all are missing him so much and it seems that the pain gets easier with time, but occasionally it comes back full fledged and consumes me.  I am so grateful for all of the pictures and memories I have with him and can't wait for more to come!  I love you Tate!

I didn't get pictures of Valentines day but we did decorate with a really cute heart wreath and valentines from us and the kids.  We love keeping his grave updated!  These are the decorations for St. Patricks Day, we hung decorative clovers on the posts too with notes from us on them.

My First Christmas in Heaven

I see the countless Christmas Trees around the world below
With tiny lights, like Heaven's stars, reflecting in the snow.
The sight is so spectacular, please wipe away that tear,
For I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear,
But the sounds of music can't compare with the Christmas Choir up here.
I have no words to tell you, but the joy their voices bring,
For it is beyond description to hear the Angels sing.

I know how much you miss me, I see the pain inside your heart
But I am not so far away, we really aren't apart.
So be happy for me my dear ones, you know I hold you dear,
And be glad I'm spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

I send you each a special gift from my heavenly home above,
I send  you each a memory of my undying Love.
After all, "LOVE" is the gift more precious than pure gold,
It was always most important in the stories Jesus told.

Please love and keep each other, as our Father said to do,
For I can't count the blessings or Love He has for you.
So have a Merry Christmas and wipe away that tear,
Remember, I'm spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

Holidays with Tate

We had a really cute scarecrow and fall flowers with a hay bail but when the cemetery did their clean up we weren't aware of it and they took all of Tatum's stuff so this is what we got to replace it.  It's cute but not as cute as the other stuff.  I just wish I would have gotten a picture before it had been taken.

The day after Thanksgiving we went and gave him his own tree and stuffed reindeer and some solar Christmas candy cane lights.

On Christmas Eve we all decorated ornaments for his tree and took them over to him.  The kids loved decorating the tree.

This is the finished product!  They did a great job and it put us in great Christmas spirits to be able to do something for Tatum.

We also made it a new family tradition since we can't put actual gifts for Tatum in his stocking we've decided to have everyone on Christmas Eve write down a service they have done during the Christmas season and put it in Tatum's stocking and those are our gifts to him.

19 weeks ago my precious baby Tatum was born. 5 weeks and 6 days later he passed away and life hasn't been the same since.  I'm grateful to say that we have learned and grown so much from this experience.  It has brought my family closer to our Father in heaven.  We are stronger as a family and as much as we miss Tatum, we are so grateful for the grace of God and the way he has helped us through this most difficult trial.  My kids have a strong testimony of their Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ and they know that we will be with Tatum again.  We miss him so much, but we are so grateful that we'll be with him again.  Our family is forever.

If any one of you have any stories that you can share with me about Tatum or how he has touched your lives or anything that has anything to do with anything that I might not have remembered to write down or that I don't know about. Really anything. I am putting together a keepsake journal/scrapbook of him his life and how he changed others, and I really want to have many peoples points of views. I received my midwifes version of the birth story and I had totally forgotten some of the things she wrote about and it was nice to have her side of the story as well. I liked her feelings and emotions that I couldn't have ever known about had she not written them down and given them to me. I don't care if you think it's small and insignificant, it doesn't even have to be about me and Tate, maybe just something that his life inspired you to do or change. It would really mean a lot to me. Just e-mail it to me at zeffie_13@hotmail.com. Thanks!

Funeral for Tate.

Tatum has left us here on earth and we will miss him dearly. He has done so much for us in such a small amount of time. Thank you all for your love and support. I pray he has touched your lives as much as he has ours. I am glad to have been able to share him and his story through this blog. It is a great reminder for me to be able to look back at all he has gone through and how blessed we have been. The funeral for Tatum will be on Wednesday may 12th at 11 am. The viewing is from 9:30-10:30 am at Spilsbury Mortuary. Thank all of you so much for the love and prayers you've given for us. We love you all.

We are so blessed to have so many friends and family supporting us through this hard time in our lives. We have been so blessed to have such an amazing spirit sent to us and know that his place in the kingdom of heaven is secure! He is such an amazing strong spirit and we will miss him dearly! It has been nice to have today and yesterday to say goodbye to him. He is on life support until tonight and when we feel comforted in letting him return to our loving Heavenly Father we will remove the ventilator and heart medication. Thank all of you for your continuous prayers on our behalf. We are so blessed because of him and all of you! We will hold a funeral for him and keep you posted on when it will be and where. Thank you all for your love and support! We hope to keep all of these memories with our precious angel close to our heart for all time!

Goodbye Tatum

The Angel of the book of life wrote down my baby's birth, and whispered as she closed the book, "Too beautiful for earth..."

Okay so today we realized that we haven't given an official list of everything that is wrong with our precious Tatum, so here goes; he has a cleft lip and pallet, abnormal outer ears, only one kidney, absent gall bladder, spinal deformation with a possibility of scoliosis, a heart condition called an unbalanced atrioventricular septal defect with decreased function of the right ventrical, a leaky av valve and aortic coarctation and aortic atresia (his heart is really sick). He also had a tracheoesophgeal fistula (tef) that was repaired when he was 3 days old. He now has developed chylothorax. He also has developed asides in his abdomen. Having mentioned all that we would be ungrateful if we failed to mention all that is right with him. He has the most beautiful eyes that we have ever seen. They look deep blue like the sea, but the depth is more than just the color. It's a depth of emotion and feeling and passion and desire and most of all love. He has ten fingers and ten toes and two feet that would intimidate Bigfoot. His skin on a good day is pink and beautiful and rosy, and the spirit that Tatum is, in that little body, defies description. When I think of it the words that come to mind are; powerful, peaceful, strong, calm, loving, pure, and compassionate. He has consumed our thoughts and our hearts as we fall more in love with him every day and he has turned our world upside down and we feel so blessed that he chose to come to us and let us be a part of this miracle that is Tatum. Despite all his physical disadvantages, to us, he is perfect.

Today has been the craziest day since we've been here. Every 30 minutes someone new is coming to talk to me. Cardiologists have been in twice to let me know where they are at and what they are waiting for from tests and just checking on Tate, which is weird. Cardiologists are like a mythical creature rare to be seen in this hospital I swear! He has had 2 different ultrasounds. One durring a procedure to put in a chest tube and tap some fluid out of his abdomen, and the other ultrasound was to check his liver again and look for his gall bladder. He doesn't have one of those, but it's nice to know that it's not causing any problems. He got 2 chest x-ray's and has had many blood tests. They are testing the fluid from his abdomen to see if it's the same thing as what is in the chest. If it is not the same thing then they will want to do a liver biopsy to see if his liver is failing. They said his liver tissue looked good still last week. I hope it's not failing as well. Cardiology doesn't think that the heart is causing all of these problems because in the last echo they did the function of the heart was still doing well with the medication he is on. Every one else is thinking that there is no other reason for this all to be happening except for the heart. We'll see. They continue to burn out his iv's on a continuous 12-24 hour basis. He is receiving calcium and it is really hard on their veins. They won't let the nurses poke him for an iv anymore. They have to call in the iv team that has a special light to help them find good veins. They are running out and would hope that they can get a central line put in during a surgery so he doesn't have to have all of these peripheral iv's. Earlier this afternoon the cardiologists and the surgeons and the neonatologist and nurse practitioner all met together to talk about Tatum and get on the same page with things. They all finally agreed to tap his abdomen and get a small sample of the liquid to test to see what it was. His bed side has been constantly surrounded by doctors and techs and many extra nurses. He had 2 full time nurses today all to himself, which was lucky because they have been running non stop since 8:00 this morning. I am glad they are finally doing something but I hate that it's taken so long and is all of the sudden so drastic!

Cardiology came by today to tell us that Tatum is no longer a surgical candidate. He has too many problems that they can't over look. They are going to talk to all of the other cardiologists and surgical staff in their conference on Wednesday morning to see what they think the best action will be to try and get him turned around. They know we are frustrated and upset that they didn't get him into surgery before all of this chylothorax (that's the right spelling) started showing up. I feel that as cardiologists they should have known that he was a priority and should have gotten him into surgery when he had a chance. They are still trying to be optimistic by telling us that there are some other options they can try but they want to get all the information presented at their conference and many different opinions before they give us all the options. I'm hoping that we still have a chance, but the way the nurses look at me and talk to me I feel as if there is a black cloud hanging over my head. I pray with all my heart that he will get to stay with me, and I am afraid to listen to what the spirit will say in fear that I won't like what it's telling me. I just want to hold onto him any way I can. I don't want him to go. Not like this. They let me hold him today which is totally against protocol since he's got his breathing tube and arterial line in. I'm glad to hold him, but I take that as another bad sign.

They did a tap on the fluid that's in his chest cavity by his lung today. I couldn't believe how much fluid came out! There was a ton and they said that there is probably a liter in his abdomen as well. They won't tap that unless they have to. They tested the fluid that they pulled out to see what it was and where it was coming from. He has what is called kylothorax. (don't quote me on the spelling) It isn't a good thing. It's usually requires long term treatment. They don't know if he has it from having the TEF surgery or if it's from so much pressure on the abdomen and the problems with the heart. We will find out tomorrow morning (Monday) if cardiology will clear him for surgery or not. If he's not cleared then chances are that he will never get the surgery. I still want him to have the surgery because I know it's the only chance he has, but this makes it so much harder. I just want to hold him and be close to him. I love him so much and I pray that he'll be allowed to stay with us longer. Please pray for us! Thank you all for your support and love!